Original published by RenOC
Written by Karen Kwong

Wellness is something that is increasingly being discussed (rightly so) and rather than just talking about it, we as individuals, as well as the organisations in which we work, are starting to take it more seriously.  To the point where some businesses are specifically hiring Chief Wellness Officers to fulfil a specific role. 

What is wellness?  

So in short, we need to lead a healthy lifestyle to be in good health.  Obvious?  Yes and yet, for many of us, this isn’t so easy to attain. 

In this blog, I could talk about what good health is, why it’s important and how we can go about it but this isn’t the purpose of today’s note. 

As many of us are now working from home and/or in socially distanced environments, it is much harder for us to look at wellness from an ‘in real life’ organisational / group / community angle. Before the lockdown, one might have been able to spot if someone was exhausted, drinking too much, irritable, suspiciously putting on/losing too much weight etc. to see if they were not well.

This is not a ‘Top 10 tips to…’

On this note, I am not going to approach this topic on a formal ‘top 10 tips’ basis but rather from a couple of the coaching conversations I have had with clients.  Whilst there are many ways in which one can diagnose (or self-diagnose) states of mental wellbeing, sometimes the ‘symptoms’ may be less obvious than the usual poor sleep, poor diet angle but through sometimes irrational and unusual behaviours accompanied by a large dose of denial. 

Coaching conversation I

‘I’m fine.  The team is fine.  Everything is fine.’

And maybe it is.

I had a client who was senior, head of a large and vital division.  He and his team welcomed WFH.  Early in the lockdown, in one of our monthly sessions, we were chatting informally and I asked him how he was with the lockdown.  He told me he was fine.  He didn’t really think he was personally affected by changes to working practices.  He was a little concerned about the global economy but who isn’t?  I then asked him about his direct reports who were all heads of various departments.  He said they were broadly fine but that they were really irritating him.  I asked him what was going on.  He said that they were griping a lot about the changes he was introducing to their working practices such as him checking their outgoing emails and wanting regular updates from them throughout the day.  He felt that it was important to keep communicating with them as they were working remotely and that he wanted to show interest in them and their work.  He thought I would be proud of this initiative. 

It turned out that whilst his intentions were great, he was unable to see that he was indeed not quite as ‘fine’ as he thought.  In order to try and feel grounded and in control, he decided that by micro-managing his (very senior, experienced and capable) reportees, he could exert some control and ease his anxieties that way.  All under the guise of ‘caring’.  Sure he did care and absolutely, for the best of reasons, but it did not hide the fact that he was feeling very fearful and untethered.  To counter this feeling of being ungrounded, he decided to exert some control where he could – in wholly unnecessary and actively unhelpful ways including alienating and demotivating his team and possibly undermining their faith in him. 

In our conversations, we considered some of the following:

• What does it look like when you’re in flow?

• What does it look like when you’re stressed?

• What are you currently feeling? 

• What are you thinking about in this moment?

• Why do you think your reportees are behaving with impatience towards you?

• What small adjustments can you make to address your stress?

• What small adjustments can you make in your behaviours to allay the concerns of your team?

• How can you quickly identify when you’re stressed and how can you not override your habitual instincts?

Work is in progress and it has not been easy.  However, the first step of noting that he was indeed highly stressed and agitated and therefore reacting to that stress by micromanaging was a great start.  To be clear, there were lots of other things going on and the picture I have painted is a really simplistic one but it is useful to cut out the noise and look at some of the basics and make those adjustments.  Thereafter, any following interventions will be a lot easier to process 

Coaching conversation II

‘Spiralling?  Me?  No!  I am the best sales person that you have.  If my team of weaklings don’t like it, then they know where the door is! 

X was indisputably the best sales person at the firm.  To the point where there was much fear if they were to lose him.  It was been acknowledged by senior management that whilst he was known to ‘terrorise’ his team, it was nearly impossible to change his attitude because of his successful contribution to the organisation.  So there was little to incentivise him to change his attitude.

He was a reluctant coachee. He admitted to me that he was ‘doing this’ to ‘tick the box and to play the game’.  Whilst there were many issues that we were addressing, what was very apparent in our conversations, was that he lived a life motivated by fear.  When we talked about his role and what his purpose was, he was unequivocally clear.  He was so determined to retain the top sales person status because who would he be without it?  Without money, who would he be?  When we talked about his ‘other’ role as head of sales and what leadership meant – he argued that he was leading by example.  That if he were to divert his attentions to helping others, he would no longer be able to retain the top sales person title.  He then went on to admit that he regularly had panic attacks and had trouble sleeping.  His alcohol consumption was ‘perfectly normal’ which he later qualified with ‘for someone with the kind of job that I have’.  Whilst he was still with his wife (his children were at university), they did not really have anything beyond a mirage of a relationship and it deeply saddened him.  He didn’t want to address it for fear of hearing what she really thought of him.  

All conversations that I have with clients are treated with the utmost of care and respect.  This was no different.  However, in order for X to get the most out of the possible learning and growth from it, I had to take this rather cautiously, for fear of alienating him, given his reluctance.  Clearly there was a lot to process and the work we were doing was simultaneous.  However, if his mental health were in better shape, it might have just helped him see the stressors in his life as less burdensome and perhaps with a different perspective. 

Early in some of our conversations, we touched on the following:

• What keeps you awake at night?

• What are the 5 main things that specifically make you anxious?

• Who are you without the fear?

• What thoughts and memories do you have when you feel calm and at peace?

• What is important to you, within your work and your personal life?

• How is where you focus on your energy matching your values?

Whilst this example is a lot more than about wellness, it shows you that fear, a particularly powerful emotion can be, an extremely debilitating emotion if misunderstood and mismanaged.  By addressing his mental and physical health, alongside some other vital work, I hoped to help bolster his resources and resilience to help him move forward at his workplace but also at home, from a sturdier and healthier foundation.  

In conclusion 

Wellness is something that is easy to envisage as some lovely smelling spa, face masks, glorious massages and a whole lot of relaxing.  In reality, wellness is something that requires regular and habitual input in order to reap the best rewards.  Good wellbeing starts with a healthy environment and culture at home and at work.  It requires awareness of what good wellbeing looks like in us, in our day to day lives.  It demands that we do what we can to prevent ourselves from sliding down a slippery slope through looking after ourselves with good food, exercise, sleep, a healthy social life and healthy boundaries.  It expects that if we need help that we will seek it and do what we can to alleviate our challenges in order for us to thrive. 

What are some of the possible red flags that you might see in yourselves that might alert you to the fact that you are not at your best?  Are you aware when they arise?  How do you counter them?